Hope

It's a big issue with me nowadays, that little word. It means a lot to me. Kind of like trust. I guess they go hand in hand, right?

So what's this rare entry going to be about? Well considering how I haven't updated you on my love life (or lack there of), I guess it could be about that. Does anyone read this anyway? Does anyone care?

Oh, Pittsburgh. I came here wanting to focus on school and get away from the drama that Philadelphia was entirely made up of. That meant leaving behind John, and Ben and all of the other boys (they were oh, so random) that I was semi-involved with. Inlcuding Billy. Including Sam (even though he lived in Erie... I count him in the Philadelphia times because that's when everything happened with him).

But what happens when I come to Pittsburgh? I get Dimitri. I get Bruce. I get John (a different one!), and I get Dustin. Okay... Dimitri's just a friend (... that make out session on Abby's couch doesn't matter), and Bruce is just... ew. John (who does acid) is definitely out of the picture. But Dustin? This one confuses me.

Kind of.

I admit it - I'm not over Sam. Even after I've deleted him from my life, haven't spoken to him since... December? He's with Emily, why upset things, that's what I say. But then I walk into the Skills class and see his twin? Talk about a punch in the stomach.

Dustin is exactly like Sam in every way (minus the 16 year old slut he left me for). In looks, his hair is a little bit longer than Sam's, almost to his eyes. But other than that? Skinny, lanky, tall, blonde. I mean, if you put these two together, they could be twins, I'm not even joking. Personality? Still exactly the same.

So you can imagine my excitement when Dustin and I started talking (hoping against hope that I wouldn't call him Sam when we were alone - there's that word again). I was even more excited when I found myself staying at his apartment with him until four in the morning, just hanging out, semi-falling asleep on each other. It was everything with Sam again... Like our huge fight never happened. Like he was still keeping his promise to wait for me.

I stayed over Dustin's on Tuesday night, and left around 8 in the morning. Tuesday afternoon, he called Heather clingy, and included me in that topic. (God, this entry is making me sound terrible) Tuesday afternoon, I came home, ate dinner, and finally crawled into bed at 11. It was weird, going to bed at a normal time, you can't imagine. Especially since I've been going to bed at 3 - 5 every night now, being with him. Tuesday night, 11 (just as I'm falling asleep) - I get a text message. "You should come over." Now, this sounds like a random 'I want sex' message, but with Dustin, it's different. He's too polite to want sex - for God's sake he hasn't even kissed me. And so what do I do? 11:30 rolls around and I'm heading down to his apartment (I think this would classify me as clingy, but what the hell. I only go down when he tells me to). 1:30 am I'm coming back up to my apartment after I get there, and he tells me he's the only one up (yay!). But then of course, instead of sitting and watching a movie, Mark and Courtney come over, and what do we do? Watch friggin BET. (Okay, okay T.I. is pretty sexy) But listen here. While I'm sitting on the couch (which he isn't sitting on with me), we're talking about relationships while Court and Mark are out on the balcony, and this other kid Matt is rolling a joint (can I say that on here?). Dustin's talking about being single, saying that he got out of a serious relationship last time, looks pointedly at me and says, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Then looks away.

Um... what?

What the hell am I doing?

So let me just say this thing about hope and trust and how they go hand in hand.

If you don't trust anyone, then there's no reasn to have so much hope built up that it actually hurts when he tells you no.

Trust no one, and hope no more.
That's sad, isn't it?