Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Finals Week and Relient K

What did I say to Len earlier today? Oh yeah, I remember:

I have 2 finals week and already I feel like I want to snort cocaine for the rest of my life instead of being a culinary student anymore.

Is that sad? Mmhm, you bet it is. Okay, okay, it's not ALL the Art Institute's fault (however, they are largely at fault in this). Despite the fact that they take all of your money (including the 50 cents in my fish bank to pay for some snacks at school today), most of the teachers are competent and very, very understanding. But the people I go to school with? Come on. Do they just let ANYONE into culinary school these days? I know it's not a major... major. But it's hard, and if you don't have the stamina, and you don't like people, then what the hell are you doing in a kitchen?

I make it a point not to hate anyone in the kitchen, but for this one quarter (11 weeks of pain and suffering), I let my morals slide. I hate someone. And I'm not even hiding it. She KNOWS I hate her (she probably hates me too, and that's probably a good thing), and that I want to punch her in the face every time she breathes or talks (which is pretty much ALL the time since she never shuts that hole in the middle of her face she calls a mouth).

Harsh? Maybe. Do I care? Absolutely not.

I'm done in 2 days. Done... not done done, but like... done in the sense that I get 3 glorious weeks of relaxing, 2 of which are going to be spent with my best friends and quality time with g-ma's pool, and 1 in the great city of Boston with my other best friend.

Could my life get any better?
Mmhm, yeah it could.


I could... not be cleaning the kitchen with an asshole tomorrow, that would be great.


<3

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Hope

It's a big issue with me nowadays, that little word. It means a lot to me. Kind of like trust. I guess they go hand in hand, right?

So what's this rare entry going to be about? Well considering how I haven't updated you on my love life (or lack there of), I guess it could be about that. Does anyone read this anyway? Does anyone care?

Oh, Pittsburgh. I came here wanting to focus on school and get away from the drama that Philadelphia was entirely made up of. That meant leaving behind John, and Ben and all of the other boys (they were oh, so random) that I was semi-involved with. Inlcuding Billy. Including Sam (even though he lived in Erie... I count him in the Philadelphia times because that's when everything happened with him).

But what happens when I come to Pittsburgh? I get Dimitri. I get Bruce. I get John (a different one!), and I get Dustin. Okay... Dimitri's just a friend (... that make out session on Abby's couch doesn't matter), and Bruce is just... ew. John (who does acid) is definitely out of the picture. But Dustin? This one confuses me.

Kind of.

I admit it - I'm not over Sam. Even after I've deleted him from my life, haven't spoken to him since... December? He's with Emily, why upset things, that's what I say. But then I walk into the Skills class and see his twin? Talk about a punch in the stomach.

Dustin is exactly like Sam in every way (minus the 16 year old slut he left me for). In looks, his hair is a little bit longer than Sam's, almost to his eyes. But other than that? Skinny, lanky, tall, blonde. I mean, if you put these two together, they could be twins, I'm not even joking. Personality? Still exactly the same.

So you can imagine my excitement when Dustin and I started talking (hoping against hope that I wouldn't call him Sam when we were alone - there's that word again). I was even more excited when I found myself staying at his apartment with him until four in the morning, just hanging out, semi-falling asleep on each other. It was everything with Sam again... Like our huge fight never happened. Like he was still keeping his promise to wait for me.

I stayed over Dustin's on Tuesday night, and left around 8 in the morning. Tuesday afternoon, he called Heather clingy, and included me in that topic. (God, this entry is making me sound terrible) Tuesday afternoon, I came home, ate dinner, and finally crawled into bed at 11. It was weird, going to bed at a normal time, you can't imagine. Especially since I've been going to bed at 3 - 5 every night now, being with him. Tuesday night, 11 (just as I'm falling asleep) - I get a text message. "You should come over." Now, this sounds like a random 'I want sex' message, but with Dustin, it's different. He's too polite to want sex - for God's sake he hasn't even kissed me. And so what do I do? 11:30 rolls around and I'm heading down to his apartment (I think this would classify me as clingy, but what the hell. I only go down when he tells me to). 1:30 am I'm coming back up to my apartment after I get there, and he tells me he's the only one up (yay!). But then of course, instead of sitting and watching a movie, Mark and Courtney come over, and what do we do? Watch friggin BET. (Okay, okay T.I. is pretty sexy) But listen here. While I'm sitting on the couch (which he isn't sitting on with me), we're talking about relationships while Court and Mark are out on the balcony, and this other kid Matt is rolling a joint (can I say that on here?). Dustin's talking about being single, saying that he got out of a serious relationship last time, looks pointedly at me and says, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Then looks away.

Um... what?

What the hell am I doing?

So let me just say this thing about hope and trust and how they go hand in hand.

If you don't trust anyone, then there's no reasn to have so much hope built up that it actually hurts when he tells you no.

Trust no one, and hope no more.
That's sad, isn't it?

Friday, March 30, 2007

Just

It's not as though anyone reads this anyway (except for my best friend, maybe - but she's in Arizona, so it doesn't do me much help if she's not here), but I just thought I'd update... Not like I have anything to update about, really.

I find that I get like this often. Disgusted at my current state of being, wishing I could just change who I am, and what I'm all about for... what? Something else, something different, new and exciting. But the funny thing? I'm terrified of change. I'm used to my close-knit family, used to the closeness of Erie, I don't want to experience things that are new. That's why I came to Pittsburgh after Philadelphia. Because Philadelphia was just TOO big. But now... Pittsburgh, that's close to home. I can be in Erie in two and a half hours tops, back with my family, back with... familiarity.

But sometimes... on days like these, I don't want everything to be familiar. I want new and exciting. I want glamour, I want the life that Erie doesn't offer. Which is why I'm so excited about moving to LA next summer. Even though no one in my family thinks I can do it. That's funny too. When everyone tells you to do everything you can to achieve your goals, that nothing can stop you, that you need to strive to do your best.

But when you set those goals, what are the things stopping you from achieving them? Personal reasons, I'm sure - I have a few of them. But family, that's what's stopping me. It's hard to hear people telling you to achieve your goals when secretly, they're saying that you're never going to do it, you'll always be in this small town, because you're so much like your mother, and you can never stray far away from your family.

But I want to. Because they don't want me to. They're all hypocrites, and even as I write this, I'm apologizing silently in my head for calling them that. It's like, when my brother does something against my mom that makes me angry, I'll take a stand for it. But when it comes to me? And someone tells me that I'll never be able to do what I want to do with the rest of my life? I'm quiet, reserved. I nod, and say I know, but all the while something in my head is screaming out to me to just tell them to shut up, that I can amount to something if I try hard enough.

But I can't. And that's what scares me. Because maybe, one day it'll be too late for me to say shut up, and maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life being unhappy, without having ever experienced life.