It's not as though anyone reads this anyway (except for my best friend, maybe - but she's in Arizona, so it doesn't do me much help if she's not here), but I just thought I'd update... Not like I have anything to update about, really.
I find that I get like this often. Disgusted at my current state of being, wishing I could just change who I am, and what I'm all about for... what? Something else, something different, new and exciting. But the funny thing? I'm terrified of change. I'm used to my close-knit family, used to the closeness of Erie, I don't want to experience things that are new. That's why I came to Pittsburgh after Philadelphia. Because Philadelphia was just TOO big. But now... Pittsburgh, that's close to home. I can be in Erie in two and a half hours tops, back with my family, back with... familiarity.
But sometimes... on days like these, I don't want everything to be familiar. I want new and exciting. I want glamour, I want the life that Erie doesn't offer. Which is why I'm so excited about moving to LA next summer. Even though no one in my family thinks I can do it. That's funny too. When everyone tells you to do everything you can to achieve your goals, that nothing can stop you, that you need to strive to do your best.
But when you set those goals, what are the things stopping you from achieving them? Personal reasons, I'm sure - I have a few of them. But family, that's what's stopping me. It's hard to hear people telling you to achieve your goals when secretly, they're saying that you're never going to do it, you'll always be in this small town, because you're so much like your mother, and you can never stray far away from your family.
But I want to. Because they don't want me to. They're all hypocrites, and even as I write this, I'm apologizing silently in my head for calling them that. It's like, when my brother does something against my mom that makes me angry, I'll take a stand for it. But when it comes to me? And someone tells me that I'll never be able to do what I want to do with the rest of my life? I'm quiet, reserved. I nod, and say I know, but all the while something in my head is screaming out to me to just tell them to shut up, that I can amount to something if I try hard enough.
But I can't. And that's what scares me. Because maybe, one day it'll be too late for me to say shut up, and maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life being unhappy, without having ever experienced life.
