Welcome to 2009!
It's a well known fact I don't update this blog as much as I should (or could, for that matter), but usually I update it when I've got something on my mind and I really don't feel like writing. However, I am writing (on paper, I mean), but I've just been copying down recipes and whatnot, so I thought I'd give my hands a break, and my digits a workout!
My life has become a bittersweet world - work at Niagara has gotten me down - there's only so much of old people that you can take; but my regular life has been a fast, sweet blur!
This Friday, I'm going to Cleveland to see RENT with my sister - starring Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp (OMG. Can we just breathe for a minute here? They're totally gorge.). So super excited for that.
I'm hoping this new year will bring me a lot of luck. I'm not really shooting for any resolutions, I really don't keep up on anything, because I get so bored easily. Although, I am going to try and be more motivated... I really need to get started on my cookbooks, and I need to try and find a partner for that secret cupcake shop I've been wanting to open for ages. Any takers?
2008 was okay, but this year is going to be great.
I can just feel it.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Monday, October 20, 2008
Just Shut Up and Get Over It!
... I mean him.
Ugh. Okay, you know how there are some people in this world who you just absolutely do NOT see eye to eye on ANYTHING with? I know one of those people. Many people would call her "fun", "loud", "a good person to be with". You know what I call her? "Rude." "Obnoxious." "Mean."
It's a well known fact that I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact, I'm very sarcastic (I like to call it witty) and sometimes downright mean, but isn't everyone? At least I'm not rude. Okay, sometimes I can be, but definitely not ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Like her.
What's funny is that whenever I tell her that I don't like her, she thinks I'm joking! Seriously? I really, really don't like you. She's been broken up with her significant other for about 10 months. Almost a year. And yet she STILL pines after him. Stalks him. Texts him. Talks to the girl he's with (or something like that.). Just GET OVER IT. He doesn't like you, he's a scumbag, and he's super super ugly. Okay?
What's funny is that she cries and cries and cries over him - because he sent his NEW girlfriend roses, and he never sent her any; because of this, because of that - but I doubt that he thinks about her very often. He's probably trying to get on with his own life instead of living in the past, which is something that SHE needs to do.
So seriously, get over it. And stop sleeping around, because no matter how many men you sleep with, you're not going to get him back and it just makes you look like a slut.
xoxo.
Ugh. Okay, you know how there are some people in this world who you just absolutely do NOT see eye to eye on ANYTHING with? I know one of those people. Many people would call her "fun", "loud", "a good person to be with". You know what I call her? "Rude." "Obnoxious." "Mean."
It's a well known fact that I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact, I'm very sarcastic (I like to call it witty) and sometimes downright mean, but isn't everyone? At least I'm not rude. Okay, sometimes I can be, but definitely not ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Like her.
What's funny is that whenever I tell her that I don't like her, she thinks I'm joking! Seriously? I really, really don't like you. She's been broken up with her significant other for about 10 months. Almost a year. And yet she STILL pines after him. Stalks him. Texts him. Talks to the girl he's with (or something like that.). Just GET OVER IT. He doesn't like you, he's a scumbag, and he's super super ugly. Okay?
What's funny is that she cries and cries and cries over him - because he sent his NEW girlfriend roses, and he never sent her any; because of this, because of that - but I doubt that he thinks about her very often. He's probably trying to get on with his own life instead of living in the past, which is something that SHE needs to do.
So seriously, get over it. And stop sleeping around, because no matter how many men you sleep with, you're not going to get him back and it just makes you look like a slut.
xoxo.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Glory
It's a funny word: Glory. What does it mean, what does it stand for? When you think of glory, you think of pride, right? Or thankfulness, I suppose. "Glory be to the Father" - thanks God, you're great. "Glory for our country" - Wow, America, you sure are a super country. But glory to me? It's something different. It's about wanting, about needing, and about hoping that one day, I'll get the satisfaction of saying, "I did something great, and other people think it's awesome too."
It's why I cook - so I can get that look of surprise; that element of eagerness when you see the food I've prepared. I think people should have fun with their food, be excited about things they're eating, hell, get hard-on's from the element of surprise.
It's also why I write. Do I want to write the next Great American Novel? Hell no. I'm not Fitzgerald, or Rand or god help me, Shakespeare. I'm me. And so when I write, I want others to be proud to be able to read my book - I want them to share in my experiences with me. And I want them to understand that, even though this could be the greatest or the worst book you've ever read, I went through a hell of a lot to get here.
So, I absolutely hate writer's block. Okay, okay, I wouldn't call it writers block, I'll call it... a painful memory block. I just like to say it's writer's block, because it makes me sound more edgy. Truth is? I'm running out of ideas. No no, that's not right either, Abbey - you have plenty of ideas. HELL - a whole summer of these wonderful, great ideas... You're just too scared as shit to actually put them on paper. It's true. I don't want to bring up these memories with Sam again (because... you know that's what the novel is actually about. Is that sad and pathetic, or just pathetic?), and I certainly don't want to relive them.
But maybe, just maybe I can do this without actually being pained. Without crying. Without feeling like a total loser (... okay, scratch that - I will feel like a loser, but at least I'll have a novel to show for it). I think that sometimes, and this is the pathetic, hopeful (God, I hate that word) side coming out in me, you have to do things, just for creative purposes.
So maybe after texting him (... don't ask), and getting him to realize that I'm not as crazy as I seem, I'll actually have the glory of having the next Great American Novel.
Damn, I'm smart.
It's why I cook - so I can get that look of surprise; that element of eagerness when you see the food I've prepared. I think people should have fun with their food, be excited about things they're eating, hell, get hard-on's from the element of surprise.
It's also why I write. Do I want to write the next Great American Novel? Hell no. I'm not Fitzgerald, or Rand or god help me, Shakespeare. I'm me. And so when I write, I want others to be proud to be able to read my book - I want them to share in my experiences with me. And I want them to understand that, even though this could be the greatest or the worst book you've ever read, I went through a hell of a lot to get here.
So, I absolutely hate writer's block. Okay, okay, I wouldn't call it writers block, I'll call it... a painful memory block. I just like to say it's writer's block, because it makes me sound more edgy. Truth is? I'm running out of ideas. No no, that's not right either, Abbey - you have plenty of ideas. HELL - a whole summer of these wonderful, great ideas... You're just too scared as shit to actually put them on paper. It's true. I don't want to bring up these memories with Sam again (because... you know that's what the novel is actually about. Is that sad and pathetic, or just pathetic?), and I certainly don't want to relive them.
But maybe, just maybe I can do this without actually being pained. Without crying. Without feeling like a total loser (... okay, scratch that - I will feel like a loser, but at least I'll have a novel to show for it). I think that sometimes, and this is the pathetic, hopeful (God, I hate that word) side coming out in me, you have to do things, just for creative purposes.
So maybe after texting him (... don't ask), and getting him to realize that I'm not as crazy as I seem, I'll actually have the glory of having the next Great American Novel.
Damn, I'm smart.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Finals Week and Relient K
What did I say to Len earlier today? Oh yeah, I remember:
I have 2 finals week and already I feel like I want to snort cocaine for the rest of my life instead of being a culinary student anymore.
Is that sad? Mmhm, you bet it is. Okay, okay, it's not ALL the Art Institute's fault (however, they are largely at fault in this). Despite the fact that they take all of your money (including the 50 cents in my fish bank to pay for some snacks at school today), most of the teachers are competent and very, very understanding. But the people I go to school with? Come on. Do they just let ANYONE into culinary school these days? I know it's not a major... major. But it's hard, and if you don't have the stamina, and you don't like people, then what the hell are you doing in a kitchen?
I make it a point not to hate anyone in the kitchen, but for this one quarter (11 weeks of pain and suffering), I let my morals slide. I hate someone. And I'm not even hiding it. She KNOWS I hate her (she probably hates me too, and that's probably a good thing), and that I want to punch her in the face every time she breathes or talks (which is pretty much ALL the time since she never shuts that hole in the middle of her face she calls a mouth).
Harsh? Maybe. Do I care? Absolutely not.
I'm done in 2 days. Done... not done done, but like... done in the sense that I get 3 glorious weeks of relaxing, 2 of which are going to be spent with my best friends and quality time with g-ma's pool, and 1 in the great city of Boston with my other best friend.
Could my life get any better?
Mmhm, yeah it could.
I could... not be cleaning the kitchen with an asshole tomorrow, that would be great.
<3
I have 2 finals week and already I feel like I want to snort cocaine for the rest of my life instead of being a culinary student anymore.
Is that sad? Mmhm, you bet it is. Okay, okay, it's not ALL the Art Institute's fault (however, they are largely at fault in this). Despite the fact that they take all of your money (including the 50 cents in my fish bank to pay for some snacks at school today), most of the teachers are competent and very, very understanding. But the people I go to school with? Come on. Do they just let ANYONE into culinary school these days? I know it's not a major... major. But it's hard, and if you don't have the stamina, and you don't like people, then what the hell are you doing in a kitchen?
I make it a point not to hate anyone in the kitchen, but for this one quarter (11 weeks of pain and suffering), I let my morals slide. I hate someone. And I'm not even hiding it. She KNOWS I hate her (she probably hates me too, and that's probably a good thing), and that I want to punch her in the face every time she breathes or talks (which is pretty much ALL the time since she never shuts that hole in the middle of her face she calls a mouth).
Harsh? Maybe. Do I care? Absolutely not.
I'm done in 2 days. Done... not done done, but like... done in the sense that I get 3 glorious weeks of relaxing, 2 of which are going to be spent with my best friends and quality time with g-ma's pool, and 1 in the great city of Boston with my other best friend.
Could my life get any better?
Mmhm, yeah it could.
I could... not be cleaning the kitchen with an asshole tomorrow, that would be great.
<3
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Hope
It's a big issue with me nowadays, that little word. It means a lot to me. Kind of like trust. I guess they go hand in hand, right?
So what's this rare entry going to be about? Well considering how I haven't updated you on my love life (or lack there of), I guess it could be about that. Does anyone read this anyway? Does anyone care?
Oh, Pittsburgh. I came here wanting to focus on school and get away from the drama that Philadelphia was entirely made up of. That meant leaving behind John, and Ben and all of the other boys (they were oh, so random) that I was semi-involved with. Inlcuding Billy. Including Sam (even though he lived in Erie... I count him in the Philadelphia times because that's when everything happened with him).
But what happens when I come to Pittsburgh? I get Dimitri. I get Bruce. I get John (a different one!), and I get Dustin. Okay... Dimitri's just a friend (... that make out session on Abby's couch doesn't matter), and Bruce is just... ew. John (who does acid) is definitely out of the picture. But Dustin? This one confuses me.
Kind of.
I admit it - I'm not over Sam. Even after I've deleted him from my life, haven't spoken to him since... December? He's with Emily, why upset things, that's what I say. But then I walk into the Skills class and see his twin? Talk about a punch in the stomach.
Dustin is exactly like Sam in every way (minus the 16 year old slut he left me for). In looks, his hair is a little bit longer than Sam's, almost to his eyes. But other than that? Skinny, lanky, tall, blonde. I mean, if you put these two together, they could be twins, I'm not even joking. Personality? Still exactly the same.
So you can imagine my excitement when Dustin and I started talking (hoping against hope that I wouldn't call him Sam when we were alone - there's that word again). I was even more excited when I found myself staying at his apartment with him until four in the morning, just hanging out, semi-falling asleep on each other. It was everything with Sam again... Like our huge fight never happened. Like he was still keeping his promise to wait for me.
I stayed over Dustin's on Tuesday night, and left around 8 in the morning. Tuesday afternoon, he called Heather clingy, and included me in that topic. (God, this entry is making me sound terrible) Tuesday afternoon, I came home, ate dinner, and finally crawled into bed at 11. It was weird, going to bed at a normal time, you can't imagine. Especially since I've been going to bed at 3 - 5 every night now, being with him. Tuesday night, 11 (just as I'm falling asleep) - I get a text message. "You should come over." Now, this sounds like a random 'I want sex' message, but with Dustin, it's different. He's too polite to want sex - for God's sake he hasn't even kissed me. And so what do I do? 11:30 rolls around and I'm heading down to his apartment (I think this would classify me as clingy, but what the hell. I only go down when he tells me to). 1:30 am I'm coming back up to my apartment after I get there, and he tells me he's the only one up (yay!). But then of course, instead of sitting and watching a movie, Mark and Courtney come over, and what do we do? Watch friggin BET. (Okay, okay T.I. is pretty sexy) But listen here. While I'm sitting on the couch (which he isn't sitting on with me), we're talking about relationships while Court and Mark are out on the balcony, and this other kid Matt is rolling a joint (can I say that on here?). Dustin's talking about being single, saying that he got out of a serious relationship last time, looks pointedly at me and says, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Then looks away.
Um... what?
What the hell am I doing?
So let me just say this thing about hope and trust and how they go hand in hand.
If you don't trust anyone, then there's no reasn to have so much hope built up that it actually hurts when he tells you no.
Trust no one, and hope no more.
That's sad, isn't it?
So what's this rare entry going to be about? Well considering how I haven't updated you on my love life (or lack there of), I guess it could be about that. Does anyone read this anyway? Does anyone care?
Oh, Pittsburgh. I came here wanting to focus on school and get away from the drama that Philadelphia was entirely made up of. That meant leaving behind John, and Ben and all of the other boys (they were oh, so random) that I was semi-involved with. Inlcuding Billy. Including Sam (even though he lived in Erie... I count him in the Philadelphia times because that's when everything happened with him).
But what happens when I come to Pittsburgh? I get Dimitri. I get Bruce. I get John (a different one!), and I get Dustin. Okay... Dimitri's just a friend (... that make out session on Abby's couch doesn't matter), and Bruce is just... ew. John (who does acid) is definitely out of the picture. But Dustin? This one confuses me.
Kind of.
I admit it - I'm not over Sam. Even after I've deleted him from my life, haven't spoken to him since... December? He's with Emily, why upset things, that's what I say. But then I walk into the Skills class and see his twin? Talk about a punch in the stomach.
Dustin is exactly like Sam in every way (minus the 16 year old slut he left me for). In looks, his hair is a little bit longer than Sam's, almost to his eyes. But other than that? Skinny, lanky, tall, blonde. I mean, if you put these two together, they could be twins, I'm not even joking. Personality? Still exactly the same.
So you can imagine my excitement when Dustin and I started talking (hoping against hope that I wouldn't call him Sam when we were alone - there's that word again). I was even more excited when I found myself staying at his apartment with him until four in the morning, just hanging out, semi-falling asleep on each other. It was everything with Sam again... Like our huge fight never happened. Like he was still keeping his promise to wait for me.
I stayed over Dustin's on Tuesday night, and left around 8 in the morning. Tuesday afternoon, he called Heather clingy, and included me in that topic. (God, this entry is making me sound terrible) Tuesday afternoon, I came home, ate dinner, and finally crawled into bed at 11. It was weird, going to bed at a normal time, you can't imagine. Especially since I've been going to bed at 3 - 5 every night now, being with him. Tuesday night, 11 (just as I'm falling asleep) - I get a text message. "You should come over." Now, this sounds like a random 'I want sex' message, but with Dustin, it's different. He's too polite to want sex - for God's sake he hasn't even kissed me. And so what do I do? 11:30 rolls around and I'm heading down to his apartment (I think this would classify me as clingy, but what the hell. I only go down when he tells me to). 1:30 am I'm coming back up to my apartment after I get there, and he tells me he's the only one up (yay!). But then of course, instead of sitting and watching a movie, Mark and Courtney come over, and what do we do? Watch friggin BET. (Okay, okay T.I. is pretty sexy) But listen here. While I'm sitting on the couch (which he isn't sitting on with me), we're talking about relationships while Court and Mark are out on the balcony, and this other kid Matt is rolling a joint (can I say that on here?). Dustin's talking about being single, saying that he got out of a serious relationship last time, looks pointedly at me and says, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Then looks away.
Um... what?
What the hell am I doing?
So let me just say this thing about hope and trust and how they go hand in hand.
If you don't trust anyone, then there's no reasn to have so much hope built up that it actually hurts when he tells you no.
Trust no one, and hope no more.
That's sad, isn't it?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Just
It's not as though anyone reads this anyway (except for my best friend, maybe - but she's in Arizona, so it doesn't do me much help if she's not here), but I just thought I'd update... Not like I have anything to update about, really.
I find that I get like this often. Disgusted at my current state of being, wishing I could just change who I am, and what I'm all about for... what? Something else, something different, new and exciting. But the funny thing? I'm terrified of change. I'm used to my close-knit family, used to the closeness of Erie, I don't want to experience things that are new. That's why I came to Pittsburgh after Philadelphia. Because Philadelphia was just TOO big. But now... Pittsburgh, that's close to home. I can be in Erie in two and a half hours tops, back with my family, back with... familiarity.
But sometimes... on days like these, I don't want everything to be familiar. I want new and exciting. I want glamour, I want the life that Erie doesn't offer. Which is why I'm so excited about moving to LA next summer. Even though no one in my family thinks I can do it. That's funny too. When everyone tells you to do everything you can to achieve your goals, that nothing can stop you, that you need to strive to do your best.
But when you set those goals, what are the things stopping you from achieving them? Personal reasons, I'm sure - I have a few of them. But family, that's what's stopping me. It's hard to hear people telling you to achieve your goals when secretly, they're saying that you're never going to do it, you'll always be in this small town, because you're so much like your mother, and you can never stray far away from your family.
But I want to. Because they don't want me to. They're all hypocrites, and even as I write this, I'm apologizing silently in my head for calling them that. It's like, when my brother does something against my mom that makes me angry, I'll take a stand for it. But when it comes to me? And someone tells me that I'll never be able to do what I want to do with the rest of my life? I'm quiet, reserved. I nod, and say I know, but all the while something in my head is screaming out to me to just tell them to shut up, that I can amount to something if I try hard enough.
But I can't. And that's what scares me. Because maybe, one day it'll be too late for me to say shut up, and maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life being unhappy, without having ever experienced life.
I find that I get like this often. Disgusted at my current state of being, wishing I could just change who I am, and what I'm all about for... what? Something else, something different, new and exciting. But the funny thing? I'm terrified of change. I'm used to my close-knit family, used to the closeness of Erie, I don't want to experience things that are new. That's why I came to Pittsburgh after Philadelphia. Because Philadelphia was just TOO big. But now... Pittsburgh, that's close to home. I can be in Erie in two and a half hours tops, back with my family, back with... familiarity.
But sometimes... on days like these, I don't want everything to be familiar. I want new and exciting. I want glamour, I want the life that Erie doesn't offer. Which is why I'm so excited about moving to LA next summer. Even though no one in my family thinks I can do it. That's funny too. When everyone tells you to do everything you can to achieve your goals, that nothing can stop you, that you need to strive to do your best.
But when you set those goals, what are the things stopping you from achieving them? Personal reasons, I'm sure - I have a few of them. But family, that's what's stopping me. It's hard to hear people telling you to achieve your goals when secretly, they're saying that you're never going to do it, you'll always be in this small town, because you're so much like your mother, and you can never stray far away from your family.
But I want to. Because they don't want me to. They're all hypocrites, and even as I write this, I'm apologizing silently in my head for calling them that. It's like, when my brother does something against my mom that makes me angry, I'll take a stand for it. But when it comes to me? And someone tells me that I'll never be able to do what I want to do with the rest of my life? I'm quiet, reserved. I nod, and say I know, but all the while something in my head is screaming out to me to just tell them to shut up, that I can amount to something if I try hard enough.
But I can't. And that's what scares me. Because maybe, one day it'll be too late for me to say shut up, and maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life being unhappy, without having ever experienced life.
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